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August 15, 2010
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Warning: This journal is probably unnecessarily long, rambling and sappy so feel free to skip this one over. /endwarning

Okay, I generally don't use internet journals to talk about the stress I'm dealing with my life, because I have this thing where I feel like no one really needs to be burdened with my random 'oh nooo so stressed' garbage going on. But this actually has a bit to do with HiNaBN so here it is. This is my confession to you. I was worried writing it before, because I was afraid that it would always come off grossly unappreciative or self depreciating so hopefully this manages to be more conversational than that.

I love Hanna. It has turned into something bigger than I could ever imagine and it's amazing. I get blown away every time I open up the browser and I realize how many comments are left on the pages, how many people are drawing fanart, doing fanfiction, roleplaying the characters, and just investing their wonderful, valuable time thinking about Hanna Is Not A Boy's Name. I'm touched every time I go to a convention and it is the most surreal feeling in the world when I see lines of people coming up to talk to me, to dress up as the characters, people telling me they look forward to it every day and just the wonderful people I've met THROUGH the comic itself.

Personally? I don't understand really what it is about this comic that everybody loves. Sure, I love doing it, and I put myself into it entirely but I see it and I think it is goofy, horribly lame and I feel like I've got SO much to learn because whoa was that last page hideous or jeez was that dialog clunky or what the heck was I thinking when I did such and such. Before I go further, I also want to establish that this is not me fishing for compliments, but rather an explanation into my mind for the past few months. I'm not saying that Hanna is trash ewww why do you guys like it, I'm just saying I am not framing it and putting it on my wall like the next damn Van Gogh. The sense of pride I get out of doing the comic are from the lessons I've learned, and not necessarily the visible product itself (if that makes sense?). Anywhoo, moving on!

Hanna Is Not A Boy's Name was originally an experiment in the comic medium itself only, but the experiment has gone beyond that. It is my first time continuing something with the mind of finishing it, it is my first time doing something with a publisher, it is my first time investing my every day into an idea, as well as my first time really growing with each character so fully that the comic itself is just really truly about the characters and each other. Hanna is so many of my FIRSTS that it's amazing that it hasn't sunk to the bottom of the hypothetical creative ocean. I'm so grateful, because I feel so damn lucky that it hasn't.

On top of it all, I am an emotionally unstable person. I don't mean this to be an excuse or self depreciating, but rather state it in a self aware way. I dip in and out of people's lives not because I do not like people but rather, because I am terrified of wronging them and my own view of myself is so shaky and so .... unsure that every social outing is a stressball waiting to explode. I'm self conscious and nervous, and I have been fighting through so much ongoing self improvement and random ass issues created by my own mind that a simple dinner I have with people I only sort-of know knocks me off my feet because HOLY SHIT that was hard. For me.

But I love people. That's the thing -- Hanna, all my comics really, are all studies in people. But I'm bad at interacting with them. It's almost why my isolation makes the writing easier. I'm so like engrossed in my own mental goings on that it feels so real and then I put it in a comic and that's what you see. Forgive me for rambling, haha, this is actually really embarrassing to write (but amazingly making me feel a bit better).

Continuing onto that, con season has been incredibly hard for me. I don't want this (at any point) to feel like I do not like meeting you, or talking to new people, or just not enjoying cons at all, but rather explain my lame ass thought process. It is like....when you love running and you love it like crazy but you're pretty shitty at it and you ran a marathon but you had to do it at your own pace and it took twenty years and after you were done you felt like hibernating for another twenty because whhoaaaaa.

That's kind of like that. Essentially, sort of, only minus the running cos then I'd be in better shape. Anyways.

I am so grateful to you guys every day all the time that I always fear I come off too sappy in my posts, that I say it too often, and then alternatively I worry I don't say it enough or show it enough. I always feel like I'm somehow ripping you all off -- that whenever I miss something or don't get something done earlier it is like a personal failure. Essentially, I am battling the weirdest battle of all. I am having to fight my own passion and tell it to calm the hell down a smidge.

I love the comic SO MUCH right now it is almost self destructive. When it was just this fun thing I did it was a completely different mental battle. Oh that page sucked? Its okay, tomorrow's another day! I could take a jaunty step forward and everything would move on and my own negativity forgotten. Now I screw up on a page or something and my mind stumbles, thumbing through all the ways I wish I had done something better and how oh god, I am messing everything up. I am clinging to every mistake I make (every, not just in the comic) and obsessing over it like thinking about it for a million hours is going to make the mistake undo itself. Which, we all know doesn't happen.

Hanna (the character and comic itself) was supposed to teach me to be able to move on, a lesson in the purest form of 'tomorrow is a new day' and oddly enough I'm so attached to it now that I am not even listening to myself and all I'm doing is thinking about yesterday. I'm dwelling, I'm sinking in my own self doubt, I'm screwing my own self over. These past few weeks (I guess while also being sick helped? Hooray?) I had some sort of epiphany, realizing what it was that was making doing what I was doing so hard. It's like if Hanna (the comic, not the dude...although that would be pretty funny) was my casual friend before and now I was making love to it and marrying it and stalking it to work and taking pictures of it when it though I was at home baking an apple pie.

Creepy of me, yes.

So essentially, this huge long rambling ass mess of a journal is just sort of an explanation to you. Why does Hanna take so long to update these days? This is probably why. Am I going to stop doing it? Hell no. Am I finally going to figure my shit out?

Of course. That's what the whole experience is all about, even if it takes forever. I don't see this as just this thing I do every once in a while, I have grown so much in a YEAR from this damn thing I'll be damned if I stop now.

All in all, abridged version means thank you for everything even if I never reply or never get a chance to fave your awesome creativity, or say hi or get to be personally grateful to you. I am working hard to figure out how to use this experimental comic I started to grow in art, story, and character, and for the journey and experience through the comic to be worthwhile not only to myself, but hopefully (just maybe) to any of you who happen to read it at any time and enjoy it. Because in the end, we all float on okay.
  • Mood: Guilty
  • Listening to: We All Float On - Modest Mouse
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:iconroika-elfili:
roika-elfili Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011  Student Digital Artist
:) i'm a new fan. you've been gone for quite a while, but if you ever read this, i just wanna say: please take your time, and don't worry about mistakes. i don't even notice the typos on your comic until someone points them out! xD

if you ever come back, please try to continue hinabn! i've come to love it so much, even if i was just introduced to it a week ago! the storyline, the characters, the layout- everything about it makes me so happy! :D don't be so negative about it, it actually rocks! it almost made me wanna change my drawing style xD
Reply
:iconskiptrix:
Skiptrix Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011
Ever had that feeling when you want to hug someone you've never met in an attempt to just make it right?
Reply
:iconiopichio:
Iopichio Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2011  Professional General Artist
dude pull your shit together

as much as i partially understand, as most of us artists will, the position of self "awareness" you are going through, I have to tell you the only way to solve it.

STOP THINKING AND GET ON WITH IT.

am serious, thinking more and more about it, going over and over, over the same problem (you), will not solve anything and (not surprisingly) make people around you end up hating you because either they can't be bothered to understand, or they choose not to. And sadly enough, this will eventually apply to you yourself.

Is what depression is all about, it may seem the hardest thing in the world, we have all been through it, but you simply have to say "no" to yourself, stop, and actually DO something, anything, take a cooking class, sometimes the weirdest things end up solving your life, you just have to get out of there, of yourself, take a trip, or go for bike ride, when you are done, come back, grab your pen and don't think. Just do it.
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:iconasheill:
Asheill Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2011
I'll bet you come out of this like a phoenix from the ashes. Better and new. We can't tell you to hurry up, because you can only take as much time as you need to keep on rockin'.

Also, the fact that you're not happy with how a page turns out or something means you're getting better at it! You kind of told us that anyway, but this is a great way to improve! I figure we all have our stuff to sort out and we can't expect you to be abnormal and just pop out a page a day of something most of us would never have the patience or drive to do and continue in the frist place.

I support you and am so glad that you didn't decide to give this up! We certainly haven't given up on you and I hope that things let up for ya!

Please, take your time. If you don't; you'll regret it even more later! We love you!

(Also, I wish I had said this earlier, but you are one of the people that inspire me to do more with my art. Yours is the first webcomic I've read and now I've read so many, but yours still sticks up as the one that affects me the most. I love it! It's so unlike many other webcomics and you pull it off amazingly well; your style is very unique and frankly rocks! You have mad e adifference to us already, no matter what the outcome! Don't worry about us, you already have our support!)
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:iconsway-with-shay:
Sway-With-Shay Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2010
With the whole self-concious, I-can't-talk-to-people, I-dwell-on-my-mistakes, I-put-myself-down thing, I totally understand. TOTALLY. The comic bit, not so much, but the other stuff: totally get cha (I say 'totally' too much).
Those are the kind of issues I'm constantly struggling with. They've gotten a little better over the years, but I'm still pretty bad about it.
I wish I could give you some advise on this... but I've got nothin'. I'm a little useless to you, other than the prospect that you're not alone.
I wish you all the luck I have, for both you and Hanna (the comic, not the character...though I'm sure he needs luck, too). :heart:
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:iconbobpwns21:
bobpwns21 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2010
I love your and your comic. I hope things get better for you and that you feel better. <3
Reply
:iconrs-kyra:
RS-Kyra Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2010  Student Photographer
Honestly, I love the comic because it implores the same mix of randomness, angst, and overall "mood" that's usually dominating my brain.

You scared me for a second ^^; I was afraid you were going to stop production. Long updates are fine as long as they're there, ya know?
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:iconankhfalcon:
AnkhFalcon Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Woah....I totally understand what you feel....You got the guts to keep that up. And yes, we're all human; we all doubt of ourselves. Keep trying, fighting. We're behind ya.
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:iconilovezimandgir123:
ilovezimandgir123 Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2010  Student Digital Artist

deviantART muro drawingComment Drawing
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:iconblackhatpirate:
blackhatpirate Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2010  Professional Digital Artist
I highly doubt you will read this but , um i will be asking you if i can post the pages in a group if that is okay with you.
Reply
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